I would like to take this opportunity to share with everyone a personal conflict that happened between me and my classmate when I was in secondary school.
The both of us were in the same group for the project and she was appointed as the leader of the group. Being the leader, she was in charge of dedicating the job to the rest of the group members.
However, a few days before the dateline, I received a SMS from her, saying:
"I am not able to find the information for the report that I am supposed to do. Hence, all of you will have to help me with the report and finish it by today."
Upon reading the message, I was angry and upset. I felt that I have some task which was not completed yet, and she being the leader, did not even offer her help. And hence, I replied back:
“I am not able to help you because I have not finished my work too. Moreover, that is the job that you are supposed to do.”
She then replied back:
“I am the leader so my job is to dedicate the job to the rest of the group members.”
In the end, another group member came to talk to us and made us realize our mistakes. Both our tone and the words used in the message were not appropriate, and therefore resulted in the misunderstandings that eventually lead to the conflict. Fortunately, I managed to meet up with the leader and we apologized to each other to resolve the conflict.
I realized that the problem with us is that both of us were rather stubborn, insistent with our own views and refuse to budge in thus leading to the conflict.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do when you received a message like that? Would you offer your help and how would you reply her?
If you were the leader, how would you ask your group member to help you with your work?
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Hi MP,
ReplyDeleteThis is really a common problem that all of us once faced.
Anyways, if i'm in your shoes, i would perhaps first help the leader to find information regarding the report, but allow her to do the actual writing of the report on her own. Also, i would explained to her why i am unable to help her finish up her report, and if possible, ask for her help in sharing part of my workload.
Nevertheless, if the leader still refuses to contribute any work, i suggest that a group meeting should held such that each group member can share their opinions, and help share the workload too.
Hi Mui Peng,
ReplyDeleteI assume that this is an secondary school where there are only basic ways of finding information.
I would first enquire what information the leader needs and where the leader had looked into.
If I realise that the leader is indeed just being a parasite, we would elect a new leader and continue the work bringing up the subject to the teacher's attention.
Using EQ Principles: Six Second's Strategies
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your example and the 6-Secs strategies, including "Know Yourself: Self-awareness"(i.e. the recognition of the causes and effects of your own feelings and reaction.). I find that often we reacted too quickly on issues which seem so unfavourable to us.
It is good if we could pause and try to evaluate what causes us to feel this way. Do we feel angry of the person, or of her action? Or do we feel angry because it is unfair that we now have to put in extra miles to cover the part of her duties?
Putting myself in your shoes, instinctively I would be very frustrated to encounter this situation. Because now I have to "waste" extra time to do her part of the work.
But after reflecting on the EQ Principles, perhaps I would adopt the "Choose Yourself-Optimism" (ie. recognize that you have choices, that you can make a difference, that you are an important part of a living whole.). Instead of thinking that I am "wasting time" helping her, I would think that I am learning extra things which she never gets the chance to learn. Besides, by completing her part also helps my group performance as a whole.
Therefore,
if I were in your shoes, when I received a message like that, I will reflect on what causes me to feel so frustrated over this matter.
I would offer help to her, and will reply her message in a supportive tone. (Because ultimately she is the group leader and we should respect leaders)
If I were the leader, I choose to use a less authoritative tone to ask for help from my members. I will use words like "Would you help me to..." or "I really need your help...”
Hi MuiPeng,
ReplyDeleteIf I were in your shoes, I guess I will do the same and voice out to her that I have not completed the tasks on hand and thus not able to help her. However, I might choose to stop at that and avoid saying the part on "moreover this is your task..." when the conversation is just between you and her. Instead, this should be brought up for discussion with the rest of the group. Cause if at the end of the day, even if it is due to the incompletion of her part, the whole group will still fail in the project. It might be the case that other members have finished their tasks and wouldn't mind helping.
Certainly, I would have to agree that the tone which the group leader used in voicing her call for help message has much room for improvement, and the second one on "she's the group leader blah blah" part is certainly one that won't earn any form of respect from group members.
Hello muipeng,
ReplyDeleteI do agree that your group leader sounds very demanding and authoritarian when she sends you an sms like that. However, your group leader could be very frustrated when she could not find any information for the report. Perhaps, you could find out if she has any difficulty with the workload and offer her some help. Actually, I would still help my group leader to find the information since the report is going to due soon.